I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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