my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
What drink are we having for lunch?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
