My cat gives me a boner
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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