fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
