She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
