i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize