Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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