i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Congratulations! We have a period
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
