I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
