Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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