Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
