At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
