The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
