Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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