so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize