yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Blood and glitter go together right?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
