mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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