watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
