Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
