Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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