ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
