did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
