The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Randomize
