Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize