its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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