Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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