Don't make out with my wife yet
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
