my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
