Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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