If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
