if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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