when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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