I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
