ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
