Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize