the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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