i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
