Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
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