the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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