just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
