I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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