I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
