dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
