On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
