im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Floor bacon is actually really good
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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