Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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