Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
