My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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