Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
