How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
