I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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