I met the friendliest cop last night
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
