Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
