i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
