he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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